Navigating the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, frequently causing significant pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
